I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
