You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
