what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
