Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
