So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
