Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
