Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
