if i can run in heels then i can drive
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
