i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
