I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
