hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
