last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
