My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
