Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
