So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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