We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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