Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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