I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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