whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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