you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
