My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
