I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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