mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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