i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
are you so shy because you have an std?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
