i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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