I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
