Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
