So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
