I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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