My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I need to sanitize my soul.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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