I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
