end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
