When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
