Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
