turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
