he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This is classic penis vs brain.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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