Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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