just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
