Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
