so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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