apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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