Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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