I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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