I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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