Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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