This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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