I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I need to stop coming to work sober
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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