I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
