do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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