I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
