so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
